Our closest friends here, D and T, are pregnant.  When we were making our first RE appointments, they started trying and became pregnant immediately.  They are good people, and also relatively sensitive to our feelings considering they don’t know what it’s like to not be able to conceive.  I try so hard to act normal and happy around them, though often I am feeling jealous, sad and angry while they are here.  And I hate that.  I don’t like this bitter, unpleasant person I become. 

Tonight we talked about due dates, and boy baby names.  I tried not to stare at T’s baby bump.  But then, I thought, maybe it’s normal to stare, or just glance occasionally.  Maybe it would be odd if I didn’t, and I do so want to be normal around them.  I don’t want to be the sad and dismal friend they they have to tiptoe around; one with whom they can’t share their joy.  But still.  D remarked casually that everyone he works with is pregnant.  Fairly innocuous comment.  But when he said it, I felt so sad and even mad at him.  Hey, isn’t it enough that I’m happy and acting okay about your pregnancy?  Do you need to pile on and remind me of all the others that have what we want so desperately?  What is WRONG with us?

As they discussed the sonogram, first kicks, strollers and maternity clothes, a voice in my head said, “That will never be you.  You will never have that.  You are never going to experience this.”  I took a gulp of my water and tried to swallow the ugly, bitter thoughts down as well.