And just like that, hope re-emerges. I tested this morning and there was a sliver, a whisper, an ever-so-faint second line. In all my years of HPTs I have never seen anything but stark white. I showed it to M, who was unimpressed (and wisely so — he’s waiting for the beta before he gets excited). I know I should do. But just now I thought to myself, if the test says I’m pregnant, can’t I just go ahead and say I’m pregnant? To myself? Just for today? It’s funny how after so many years of trying, and disappointment, that a tiny pink line that you kind of have to squint to notice could mean so much.

Also amazing: I was able to respond to brother-in-law’s texts today saying congratulations and that I’m happy to be an aunt. And I actually meant it. What a difference a bit of hope makes, in my whole outlook.

I recognize that this could crash and burn. At any point, really. But for now, I think I’ll just let this light feeling in my chest, this giddiness that I feel thinking about that second line, and what it means, stay awhile.