A break.  Not from blogging, but from trying to conceive.  M and I have decided to take a break from trying until sometime in the Spring.  After trying for over two years, I think it will do us both good to (hopefully) relax and not be thinking about trying to get pregnant; and it also makes sense considering my new job (since FMLA leave won’t apply until I’ve been employed for at least a year).  So, we wait. 

I started my new job this week, and so far I love it.  The people are really nice and down to earth.  The women are smart, capable and confident, yet wear comfortable shoes (my kind of gals).  So I’m very optimistic that this will be a good fit for me.  I still can’t believe I got this job.  Sometimes I think I need to pinch myself.

I’m turning to a new goal, now that pregnancy is on the back-burner: I want to get out of debt.  We have a lot, and we spend frivolously to compound the problem.  It would be wonderful if we could get out of debt in 2010.  I actually said that about 2009 too, but I’m not letting that discourage me from really trying to make it happen in the upcoming year.  I’ve taken a major salary cut with the new job, which strangely makes me feel better about our prospects because I think we’ll be watching our money much more closely.  Plus, I did a LOT of “therapy shopping” in my old job.  I would spend so much time working, sitting in front of my computer into the late hours, feeling like I had no life (because I didn’t) that I would just buy things online as a way to make myself feel better about it all.  Not a good habit, but it was a way of trying to justify the sacrifices I was making for the pay.  Now, making a lot less, but getting home at a sufficiently decent hour to have a life, I don’t think that the therapy shopping should be as much of an issue.  But I do still love and regularly stalk Anthropologie.  Don’t you just love this cozy sweater?

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Perhaps it shall be mine when it goes on sale. 

Anyway, I digress.  Bottom line: life is good, and for the next few months we’re going to try to forget about the fact that we can’t seem to get pregnant.

I had a lovely thought last week.  It was about 11:00 in the morning and I decided to go for a long run.  While I was running, I thought to myself what wonderful freedom I have, that I wouldn’t have if we already had a child.  This doesn’t take away from my longing for a child in any way, but it just helps me to be more thankful for the present moment; the gift and beauty that is there now in our current situation.  And in our present circumstances, I can leave the house without telling anyone, and go for an hour-long run without having to worry about someone watching my child.  That’s pretty nice.  I am thankful.  I don’t want it to stay this way, but I want to recognize the bits of grace that are sprinkled through my days as a childless woman.

I think, slowly but surely, I am getting some peace.

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