I’m still here, but have just been too occupied to get my thoughts out here. I did go on vacation, but outside of that I’ve been working like a dog, and have been fairly overwhelmed with the to-do list each day. It’s a shame that I’ve neglected this space, because a lot has been happening that I want to record. So for my own benefit, mostly, a bulletpoint list of things I need to remember, and need to flesh out more once I can.
— Vacation: beach, reading, no plans, sand, running. Gained five pounds (but I’m telling myself that it’s mostly bloating/water weight, since my cycle began while we were away, rather than the multiple pina coladas I was drinking each day. Seems reasonable.)
— Had a two-hour long conversation about infertility with M while in the car in the parking lot at Whole Foods. Many tears on both sides. We were there so long that several people arrived and left while we were still hashing some things out. I think most people that saw us probably thought we were breaking up. It is hard, and unfortunately M and I don’t see eye-to-eye on the treatment options we are willing to pursue, but at the same time, I am so grateful to have a partner in this struggle.
— I’m going to change to a different RE. Had a bloodwork appointment (everything is normal) and, while I’m sure he’s a great doctor, he and I are not on the same page, and due to some complications with mine and M’s views regarding treatments, I think we’re going to need someone a bit more compassionate and willing to work with us where we are right now. For instance, current RE suggests as our FIRST treatment doing IUI with injectables. Does this seem a bit extreme to anyone else? I just find it confusing, particularly since back in October this same doctor told us to wait and see, that we may get pregnant on our own, and reminded us that there is no “minor” infertility treatment. I had prepared myself to go ahead and start trying Clomid sometime soon, but when he jumped straight to IUI/injectables he lost me. I’m not ready for that yet.
— I struggle to pray for a baby. I pray for a lot of things. But asking God for a biological child is just…right now not really possible for me. I’m trying to figure out why. It just seems shallow, self-absorbed, like treating God like a Santa Claus or something. I don’t know why I feel this way about this request, rather than other things that I pray for, which are too many to name. Why is it that I have no problem praying for God to intervene for others or myself, with requests like a healthy pregnancy for someone already pregnant, to be healed of a disease, to be comforted, to have peace, to be safe when traveling, to perform well on a test…but I can’t ask God to make me pregnant, and give me a healthy biological child? I do not know.
That’s all, mostly because of what time it is, and because the next two weeks are going to be nuts between work and personal life commitments. Hopefully by the time I post next my thoughts will be more coherent. Until then, thanks for bearing with me.
*I also should add that I am shamefully behind on reading your blogs, but should be catching up slowly but surely. As always, I am thankful for each of you.
A Real Life 
7 comments
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August 24, 2009 at 9:59 am
Kathryn
It IS hard to find the right doc who will work with where you are at & not just their numbers.
We’ve decided against any form of fertility Tx by a doc/RE, but we did consult with one. He really blew me away when he said i’d have to take meds to grow my lining. ??? We’d already gone over my Hx & he knew that i’m allergic to most meds so that i would need the least amount possible. I’d been working with an acupuncturist/Chinese med doc who gave me herbs & my lining was quite good when they checked it – 14 (& he said 10 was minimum). When i questioned meds for this the doc said that he had to “be in total control” of my cycle. Sorry. God is in total control. I can’t work with a doc with that much ego.
I also have issues about praying for a child. I don’t know that i can explain it either. But then sometimes i have issues with prayer in general.
I’ve moved to more of a position that prayer is to bring me into alignment with the heart & will of God, & i don’t pray over wants too much, as you said not wanting to treat God like Santa. But it is also said in the Bible that “you have not because you ask not” & i haven’t quite figured out yet where that fits in. Mostly, these days i guess i pray more “God you know my heart & our desires. Please help me to accept what you’re going to bring.”
And yesterday, our pastor finished with “Are you trusting that God has your best interests at heart?” And i find that, no, sometimes i don’t. I need to work on that.
Best wishes, dear, in your choices before you. I pray that you will find the path & following that will bring your heart’s desires.
August 24, 2009 at 12:17 pm
loribeth
Good to hear from you whenever you can post. : ) If Clomid is what you feel comfortable starting with, then by all means, don’t give in to a dr who wants you to do more than that. (More $$ for him, I’m sure.) Two suggestions/cautionary notes, though: (1) make sure you are being monitored while you’re taking Clomid — I’ve seen way too many drs prescribe Clomid like it was candy & basically tell their patients “Call me when you’re pregnant.” Uh-uh. (2) There is some evidence that Clomid is not as effective, & may even be harmful, when used for cycle after cycle — so set a limit (maybe three cycles) & then review with your RE. Good luck!
August 24, 2009 at 8:53 pm
becomingwhole
Ditto loribeth…it’s really nice to hear from you.
I don’t know your diagnosis, but if you aren’t comfortable with your RE, definitely seek another opinion. And Clomid isn’t the only option. There is also Provera. Birds and Squirrels got pregnant with it, and it’s the medication that I was on (seems like eons ago). (‘Course in my case, it made me ovulate, but there were no good sperm to meet the egg.)
Interesting about the not being able to pray about a BIOLOGICAL child, I notice you wrote. Can you pray for a child (without the bio adjective)? Just asking because I’m interested, not suggesting…
August 24, 2009 at 9:43 pm
Silya
Good observation. I think I can more easily pray and request to become a parent, as opposed to praying for the particular way the child comes to us (i.e. me getting pregnant). The fact is that while I am open to adoption, and have always intended to adopt “someday,” right now what my heart is aching for is a biological child — and I feel guilty acknowledging that, rather than just saying “any way it happens is great with me.” That while I do want to, and intend to, adopt, I still want to be pregnant, I want to experience giving birth, I want my and M’s bodies to create a baby. That is hard to even write down. I am not sure why. Maybe it’s all these “I wants” that are bothering me.
August 25, 2009 at 11:17 am
iamstacey
Glad you’re doing alright! It’s so good you had a chance to really talk with M. IF is too hard to do on your own. I hope you all can find a middle ground where you can both be supportive of each other.
Good job, not settling for a doc you’re not comfortable with. The right doc will help you achieve your goals while respecting your limits.
I’m at the other end of the prayer issue – I have no problem asking Him for what I want! But now I am learing to ask Him that His will be done, and to change my heart so that I will desire whatever He wants for us. That’s been the hard part for me.
August 25, 2009 at 7:02 pm
Hillary
That is interesting comment about prayer, as I have struggled with the same feelings. However, I have plowed through the “guilt” of praying for a baby and continued to do so specifically everyday. And not just for a baby, but that I would conceive. I guess I don’t want God to get confused about what I want. 🙂
In all seriousness, I do struggle with the fact that that might be the “wrong” thing to pray for — too selfish, earthly, etc. But at the same time I think if I am praying that prayer trusting God and following him whether or not he answer “yes,” I think God will work in my heart as I pray those prayers. Right now I have to pray that because my heart passionately desires to conceive…but I trust God will bring me to greater joy in him as I pray this and seek him. And perhaps he will change my heart over time, but even that is too difficult for me to grasp.
August 7, 2010 at 12:15 am
Merely Human
Hi there – I stumbled onto your blog recently and I bookmarked it in an email I sent to myself entitled: “add to list of blogs to follow”. Being more of a newcomer to the world of IF (or the “Land of IF”) (been trying to conceive for 8 months, having anovulation, just started clomid) I am inspired by your expressions/thought/feelings regarding your circumstances. You are an inspiration to me b/c you stive to fight against the bitterness, the envy, the discontent, the resentment towards God that try to seep into our lives (I say “our” but i know 8 months doesn’t even compare to how long you’ve been trying). I have found that the blog IF world is a wonderful community, a great support group – but I am striving to only surround myself with those blogs whose authors refuse to give in in the fight against things mentioned above. That is my goal in this journey. I want to glorify God in every circumstance in my life – even in this trial. Thanks so much for your honesty, for sharing your feelings, and for being an example to me of how to succeed in the fight.
In response to your thoughts about having difficulty praying for a child, it is something that resonates with me as well. I have often meditated on that interesting fact. Every time I read the passage in Philippians that talks about being anxious for nothing, but in everything, with thanksgiving, letting your requests be made known to God – every time I read it, I am convicted for a short time that I should really be praying for it. But then after a few days, it wears off, and I lapse out of it again. I think for me, it’s psychological – by praying for that every day, I feel I will become obsessed with it, I want it, I want it, I need it, please God, give it to me. Like another of your readers, I want more to pray that I will be able to handle whatever God gives me…
But I do believe that scripture indicates we are to pray for our wants/desires.
Oh, the other thing is, I know God knows that’s what I want – so why do I have to pray for it? 🙂
Anyways, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I hope you continue to do so. Congrats on your new job, I hope it’s going well for you.