I’m still here, but have just been too occupied to get my thoughts out here.  I did go on vacation, but outside of that I’ve been working like a dog, and have been fairly overwhelmed with the to-do list each day.  It’s a shame that I’ve neglected this space, because a lot has been happening that I want to record.  So for my own benefit, mostly, a bulletpoint list of things I need to remember, and need to flesh out more once I can.  

— Vacation: beach, reading, no plans, sand, running.  Gained five pounds (but I’m telling myself that it’s mostly bloating/water weight, since my cycle began while we were away, rather than the multiple pina coladas I was drinking each day.  Seems reasonable.)

—  Had a two-hour long conversation about infertility with M while in the car in the parking lot at Whole Foods.  Many tears on both sides.  We were there so long that several people arrived and left while we were still hashing some things out.  I think most people that saw us probably thought we were breaking up.  It is hard, and unfortunately M and I don’t see eye-to-eye on the treatment options we are willing to pursue, but at the same time, I am so grateful to have a partner in this struggle.

— I’m going to change to a different RE.  Had a bloodwork appointment (everything is normal) and, while I’m sure he’s a great doctor, he and I are not on the same page, and due to some complications with mine and M’s views regarding treatments, I think we’re going to need someone a bit more compassionate and willing to work with us where we are right now.  For instance, current RE suggests as our FIRST treatment doing IUI with injectables.  Does this seem a bit extreme to anyone else?  I just find it confusing, particularly since back in October this same doctor told us to wait and see, that we may get pregnant on our own, and reminded us that there is no “minor” infertility treatment.  I had prepared myself to go ahead and start trying Clomid sometime soon, but when he jumped straight to IUI/injectables he lost me.  I’m not ready for that yet.   

— I struggle to pray for a baby.  I pray for a lot of things.  But asking God for a biological child is just…right now not really possible for me.  I’m trying to figure out why.    It just seems shallow, self-absorbed, like treating God like a Santa Claus or something.  I don’t know why I feel this way about this request, rather than other things that I pray for, which are too many to name.  Why is it that I have no problem praying for God to intervene for others or myself, with requests like a healthy pregnancy for someone already pregnant, to be healed of a disease, to be comforted, to have peace, to be safe when traveling, to perform well on a test…but I can’t ask God to make me pregnant, and give me a healthy biological child?  I do not know. 

That’s all, mostly because of what time it is, and because the next two weeks are going to be nuts between work and personal life commitments.  Hopefully by the time I post next my thoughts will be more coherent.  Until then, thanks for bearing with me. 

*I also should add that I am shamefully behind on reading your blogs, but should be catching up slowly but surely.  As always, I am thankful for each of you.

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