We are talking about God. What wonder is it that you do not understand? If you do understand, then it is not God. – St. Augustine

I’ve found that my conversations with other Christians about infertility have been some of the most frustrating.  Granted, I haven’t shared this struggle with a lot of people, and the few people that I have opened up to (in real life) happen to be Christians, so I could be being somewhat unfair.  After all, you don’t have to be a Christian to say something stupid. When people say things to me that are really just comments that make them feel better, but are disguised as comments meant to encourage me, that is hard enough.  But multiplying that discomfort by bringing God into it, particularly when one is purporting to understand God’s will and/or purpose in things happening a certain way… it just makes me angry. (I should mention that I am a Christian, and that there are a few Christians that have been very kind and haven’t said anything stupid at all regarding my infertility.  I don’t want to be unfair to Christians here, it’s just that there have been several who have tried to bring some bad theology in to explain away M’s and my predicament). 

I haven’t posted in awhile because there’s been a lot happening here.  My firm has been laying off attorneys and staff, so I’ve been nervous about losing my job.  Those of us that survived the first round of layoffs are trying to work very hard, as if that will somehow make us immune the next time they decide to make any reductions.  All of that has led to a lot of stress at work (but I feel bad complaining, of course, as I’ll take stress at work over not having a job any day). 

The other big stress contributor is M’s job.   I’m not quite comfortable blogging in detail about it, but his job has been taking a lot out of us both for quite some time now.  He’s a minister, and even though I work full time, his job tends to place a lot of pressure and demands on both of us, particularly on weekends.  We’ve been saying for over a year that we know we can’t keep going at this pace.  We may be moving towards making a change soon, which is scary but also makes me very hopeful. 

This post is like a thirty-second clip from a three hour movie.  It’s missing a lot, but it still feels good to get some of the basics out in a safe place.  I’m thankful for that tonight.